The Balance is in the Imbalance

The last few weeks, my thoughts were in a whirl, and I was restless and edgy, like there was static electricity popping in my veins.

My life has been filled with both a brightness and a heavy pressure lately. The gifts in my life have been so abundant that I’ve been in a sort of excited frenzy that was tipping me over, and unbalancing me. I’m sensitive to that feeling because I crave balance. I strive for the bliss that comes from living mindfully in little moments. I wasn’t feeling as if I could concentrate on enjoying the beauty of those little moments if I was experiencing such hypersensitivity.

That’s where the pressure was coming from, I think; from the anxiety that builds when things feel too good. I found myself trying so hard not to think of all the ways in which I should protect myself from the hard landing that comes from tipping over too far. I was walking that fine line between being happy and being sad. Like a child on the sofa, trying to jump to the armchair without landing on the make-believe “lava” floor. I couldn’t tell if I was having fun or scaring myself to death. Maybe both?

Really, though - would life even be fun at all without the threat of “lava” to fall into? And doesn’t happiness feel so warm because we’ve felt the coldness of sadness; and we hug that warmth around us like a blanket because there’s a possibility we might get cold again?

It has dawned on me that the balance that I crave is in the imbalance. If I feel happy and I’m scared to lose it, GOOD. That means I’ll be mindful of enjoying it and I’ll be motivated to keep that fire stoked.

I might be happy enough that it scares me to death to lose it, but without that fear, I probably wouldn’t hug my blanket as tight.

I’ll probably continue to have some fear about what I could lose, but the soft finger strokes of happiness tingling down my neck feel so sweet in contrast.

That hypersensitivity I was feeling eased with this realization. It simply became sensitivity, instead.

I find that my craving for balance is satiated, after all.

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